


hana hakimasu

by aaxbbxx



Series: Written in The Stars • ASTRO oneshots [5]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Myth & Folklore, binwoo implied, but they are all there - Freeform, myungjin mentioned, poor sanha, sanha centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 22:57:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18398075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaxbbxx/pseuds/aaxbbxx
Summary: Sanha suffers from Hanahaki Disease and he's determined to keep it from the rest of the members.main: socky





	hana hakimasu

****Sanha never believed in folklore. Okay, maybe he did a little bit, because it was actually pretty interesting. But he never actually believed it to be true in real life, much less true in his own life. It was already 2019 and he supposed he should actually start believing in them as he practically lived in one.

 

Hanahaki Disease.

 

It was a folklore he would often hear from when he was younger from his parents and mostly from his grandmother. When he moved to become a trainee at a young age, he had almost forgotten about it. But fast forward to years later, just a year or so after their debut as Astro, he had never forgotten about it ever since.

 

The pressure in his chest was building again. He welcomed the pain that came right with it, a familiar one he had had to live with for the past 3 years. He stumbled blindly in the bathroom, thanking his lucky stars that nobody was home in their shared dormitory. He wouldn’t know how to explain his situation if it weren’t so.

 

He threw up the bloody petals into the white porcelain bowl, a stark contrast that somehow made a beautifully painful scene. _How poetic_. He coughed up the pressure from inside his lungs, more and more coming out from inside him. He was used to this, but this time the pain was nowhere near what he experienced from before.

 

When Sanha looked closer at the evidence of his pain, he paled more so than usual, because staring back at him was an entire flower. He was in the final stages.

 

It was only a matter of when he was going to die.

 

——

 

A few minutes later, Sanha went back to his shared room with MJ and Rocky and curled up in his bed. He stared at the wall where his bed was pushed up against and he couldn’t help but let some tears leak out as he eyed the numerous drawings by the other members on his wall. They had this thing where they doodles on each member’s wall, to remind them they had each other (despite the name calling and shitty drawings). He raised a hand to trace one specific drawing of a ‘ddanasaur’.

 

It was drawn by Rocky.

 

He let out a teary laugh as he remembered when the latter had done it. It was one of those days, a few months back, where the two youngest were left alone in the dorm by themselves and Sanha hadn’t wanted to leave his bed since he was feeling under the weather (the truth was, the disease was taking a toll on him, the stages progressing). Rocky decided to stay with him and had climbed in bed with him. The older of the two then decided he wanted to add more on the youngest’s wall (“look, now you’re a ddanasaur, because you’re tall giant”).

 

At that point, Sanha was already getting sicker and weaker as the disease threatened to consume him. No one knew of course, they all had just assumed he had a weak immune system, since he was always prone to getting colds and the flu. What they didn’t know was that he had been suffering from the Hanahaki disease for some time and he never had the courage to tell anyone, scared that they would blame the person he had a one-sided love with.

 

One has the Hanahaki disease when the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one sided love. It develops over months or even years, beginning with coughing up a few petals and growing in intensity (and pain) until the victim is vomiting entire flowers, by which point the disease has entered its final stages. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), may happen spontaneously when the object of affections realizes his love, the disease may require the object to persuade the victim that their love is mutual. If the victim cannot believe that his beloved returns his love, he will die or simple when the victim dies with the unrequited love. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear. **

 

Sanha knew that when he had first gotten the disease, it would end in death. When he had fallen in love with Rocky, he knew that he couldn’t have the surgery, his feelings disappearing would be just as worst as dying. If he lived without it, then who was he if not for the very emotions that made him who he was. No one can control their emotions, no one can control on who they fell for. If he had the surgery, it’s as if he was betraying his own self. So from the moment he fell in love with one Park Minhyuk, and had known that his love would never be reciprocated, he had resigned himself to living his last days withRocky and the other members as if it was his last. He didn’t know when he was gonna die so he was savouring the little moments he had with all of them.

 

That time came later than he expected to be honest. He didn’t really expect to last this long, 3 years later. He heard of stories, of others dying early and had suffered painfully during the last months before their death, not even reaching a year. There were rare cases of those living until 3 to 7 years, and he was lucky enough to have had that enough time.

 

To tell you the truth, Sanha didn’t know when he first realized he had fallen in love with Rocky. He thinks it was a slow and gradual fall. They were still young when they had debuted, but slowly, the way Rocky smiled bashfully after finding a comment saying he was handsome, the way he twirled as he danced to the melody, the way he sang for their fans, the way he rapped to the beat, became much more than just admiration from a friend. It was those little things that made Sanha realize the feelings he had had morphed into an emotion of love.

 

Sanha wiped the tears from his eyes as he heard the front door of their dormitory open and slammed shut, footsteps and voices slowly trickling in one by one as the rest of the members had finally come home. He pretended to be asleep, listening to the muffled voices of arguments on who could wash up first, the giggle of delight of the winner, the soft yelp followed by the slam of the bathroom door. He heard some muttered curses of the loser as the rest laughed. Sanha squeezed his eyes shut as the swell of sadness built in his chest. He was going to miss all them so much.

 

He suddenly heard their bedroom door open, a soft coo coming after, “Sanha~”

But he remained still, hoping MJ would just assume he was tired and sleeping and leave him alone. But to his dismay, footsteps came closer and soon his bed dipped and he was shaken awake by the shoulder.

 

“Sanha-shi, I have something for you~~ wake up for hyung...” MJ cooed and Sanha pretended to wake because if he didn’t get up, MJ would just find a way to get him up.

 

“Hyung?” He rubbed his eyes, in a way to fake his rouse from his sleep. He saw MJ grin at him.

 

“We got you some food and—“ MJ suddenly got something from behind his back, which Sanha didn’t know where it could even hide behind him, and wiggled it at his face, “a bunny!”

 

It was small and cuddly, the white fur so soft that Sanha just wanted to rub his face in it. He reached to grab it, his eyes wide with awe, “Thank you hyung...” and he immediately hugged it to his chest.

 

MJ patted his leg, “We were walking down the street and I saw this on display in one of the stores and it reminded me of you. Sweet and cuddly, so I dragged Jin Jin with me to buy it, while the other three were busy arguing on which ice cream to get.” Sanha giggles at the events relayed by MJ.

 

“Thank you hyung, I mean it.” Sanha would treasure this bunny forever, or for as long as he’d stay alive rather.

 

“I won’t always be here for you, especially since we’re all going to be busy preparing for our comeback in just a week, and you’ve been sick lately,” MJ said, ruffling Sanha’s Hair affectionately as he spoke. “So this bunny will be there in lieu of me during those times.”

 

Sanha buried his head in the bunny, suddenly emotional at his hyung’s words. He was so loved and cherished and he’s paying them back by not telling them the truth. He let out a sniffle as a tear escaped.

 

“Ya, Sanha, don’t cry...” MJ softly said pulling him into a hug, “I guess you are still sick. No matter, MJ-hyung is here to the rescue!”

 

Sanha let out a laugh despite the sadness he was feeling and MJ, hearing this, laughed along as well. There was no use in dwelling in the sadness, so Sanha wiped his tears away.

 

“Hey, can I join in?” Both of their heads snapped towards the door where Rocky was stood, smiling at the pair. Sanha’s chest constricted, it was the same every time the object of his affection was in the room, a reminder of his disease.

 

“Hyung, why didn’t you tell me we were buying stuff for Sanha? I would have gotten him something too,” Rocky pouted as he joined the two on Sanha’s bed.

 

“You were busy arguing with Eunwoo and Binnie on the ice cream you wanted to buy for dessert,” MJ snapped at him then cackled at the defeated look on Rocky’s face.

 

“Don’t worry Rocky hyung, it’s okay,” Sanha piped up from beside MJ and he couldn’t help but grin at the way Rocky still pouted.

 

The thing was Sanha would have been happy to live his life this way, one sided love aside, because he knew he was loved by Rocky but just not in the way he wanted it to be. But he could have lived with that. It’s better than not having him in his life at all. But his disease spoke otherwise, since he couldn’t even live long enough for that.

 

Sanha’s days were numbered and as he looked at the two people in the room, he wondered just how much time he had left to be with them.

 

 

———

 

It all came to a halt on Sanha’s plans when they had reached their last leg of their comeback promotions. They had finished the last of album promos the day before and were enjoying a day off before they were set to start their ‘Starlight’ tour. The only ones at the dorm were Jin Jin, MJ and Sanha, as the other three had gone out to watch some movies at the Cinema. Sanha has wanted to join but he felt lightheaded and decided staying in was the best course. Rocky had pouted at him in dismay but had gone to the movies as planned when Sanha forced him to.

 

Sanha knew the lightheaded feeling from earlier should have been a sign for him. The pain was worst this time than the last, the lightheadedness added to the pain made him nauseous that he momentarily forgot he wasn’t alone. He was stumbling around blindly, trying to head to the direction of the bathroom, when he heard panicked shouts coming from one of the hyungs, or maybe both, but he couldn’t really tell and he didn't care at the moment. All he cared about was getting to the bathroom to vomit out the flowers that were painfully coming up from his lungs to his throat.

 

He felt arms wrapping around him and suddenly he was infront of the familiar white porcelain bowl and he was hacking up his lungs in no time. The pain ten times worse and way longer than usual. He was aware of the rushed footsteps and the panicked voices of his hyungs.

 

But when he heard the word, ‘manager’ and ‘call’ and ‘others’, he yelled hoarsely despite his state, “Don’t!”

 

Sanha lifted his face and continued to speak, his voice scratchy, “Don’t tell them please..” then he went back to coughing up more blood and flowers. He was slowly losing his vision and he was becoming dizzy every second that passed.

 

Before he passed out, the last thing he heard was MJ and Jin Jin’s panicked yells for him to stay awake.

 

 

—-

 

All he could see was black. Like a dark hole. _Was this what you see when you die?_ Sanha was somehow disappointed. He thought he would be seeing a beautiful garden in the midst of a cloudy kingdom.

 

"San-"

 

But he didn't mind. He felt lighter somehow.

 

"-ha?"

 

 _What can he do here after_? Somehow Sanha knew there wasn't much to do.

 

"Sanha?"

 

He turned his head side to side. _Was someone calling me?_ He paused to try and hear if he did hear right.

 

"Sanha?" _That was Jin Jin-hyung's voice! But why am I hearing him when I'm dead?_

 

"Sanha, wake up baby..." _Huh, that was MJ hyung too. Why can I hear them? And why do they sound like they were crying?_

 

Suddenly, Sanha saw the dark hole brightening and he realized it was because he was suddenly opening his eyes.

 

"Oh my, Jin Jin, he's awake!"

 

He groaned at the blinding white revealed to him and immediately snapped his eyes close.

 

"No, no, Sanha, open your eyes..." he heard MJ plea. Sanha never liked hearing MJ so sad, but his eyes are too sensitive.

 

"Hurts," he whimpered and suddenly he heard footsteps scrambling then a sudden click.

 

"Try opening them up now, Sanha-ya," he heard Jin Jin's soft voice. So he did.

 

The first thing he saw was the dimmed lights staring right down at him from the ceiling. The second he noticed was the beeping sound coming from his side, which as he now looked was a heart monitor. The third thing, and that might be the thing that made him distraught were the fraught looks and quaking lips of his two hyungs looking back at him.

 

"Sanha!" They both exclaimed before they rushed at him with hugs. He returned it with as much fervour.

 

He suddenly remembered everything.

 

They were all in the dorm and he had a sudden attack of the disease, one that came so sudden, he didn't have time to think. He remembered blindly walking towards the direction of what he assumed was the bathroom but to no avail due to the lightheadedness he felt. He remembered being carried to the bathroom. He remembered the frantic shouts, the way he pleaded not to call anyone and eventually passing out.

 

MJ and Jin Jin pulled away from him and they stood staring at him. He knew enough by the looks on their faces, that they probably know of the truth that he'd been hiding for years.

 

"Sanha...." MJ croaked out, his eyes suddenly teary, "why didn't you tell us?"

 

"Why haven't you come to us?" Jin Jin added as he grasped his hand.

 

"I'm sorry hyungs," he croaked out as tears slowly descended from his eyes, "I just didn't want anyone to be burdened."

 

"Burdened?!" MJ exclaimed then reached out to hold his arm. "Yoon Sanha, this is not a burden! You are our maknae, our dongsaeng, practically our baby, and you think this would have been a burden to us? We would have done whatever it took to help you!"

 

Sanha flinched at MJ's tone. Jin Jin, seeing this, spoke up.

 

"Sanha, we're not angry at you, far from it."

 

MJ sighed and gave him an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry I came off strong, I'm just worried."

 

"Did you," Sanha licked his lips, "call the others?"

 

Jin Jin gave him a shake of the head, "No, because you went ballistic when you heard us before passing out. I thought it'd be best if they don't bombard you with this for now."

 

Sanha nodded at him and gave a tiny tilt of the lips. But suddenly, "Did the doctor tell you?"

 

Jin Jin and MJ exchanged looks and suddenly it turned serious again.

 

"Yes, you have the Hanahaki disease," MJ said. Sanha only nodded.

 

"From what the doctor said, you're already at the final stages," Jin Jin added, almost like a question. Again, Sanha just nodded.

 

They were all silent for a moment, before MJ spoke up again.

 

"The doctor said the only way for you to be cured is for when the one you love returns your feelings or you get the surgery."

 

"So we just go up to the rascal and make him cure you." Jin Jin added. "So who is it?"

 

This was what Sanha was scared of. He didn't want anyone to know who he had feelings for because they would just blame the person, which they shouldn't because he did it to himself. He was the stupid one to fall for someone who was out of his reach. He also didn't want to get the surgery because that's betraying himself. He may suffer from the love, but he wouldn't want to forget about it either.

 

"Sanha?" MJ asked worriedly, and he realized he hadn't been responding to his hyungs.

 

He hurriedly gave them his answer, "Nobody."

 

He saw both his hyungs exchanged glances before Jin Jin spoke up again.

 

"Sanha, we promise we won't judge you for it," MJ bumped his shoulder, "or hurt him or force him."

 

Sanha shook his head no.

 

"Then the only other way is to get the surgery then." MJ added.

 

"NO!" He saw the way he startled MJ and Jin Jin, heck, he even surprised himself.

 

"What do you mean, 'no'?" MJ frowned at him.

 

"You're going to die Sanha! We don't want that, I'm sure you don't either." Jin Jin exclaimed.

 

"I meant, I don't want the surgery, and I don't want you guys to know who he is either, so leave it at that." Sanha snapped.

 

"We don't know how long you have! What if you get another attack and we can't get you to the hospital in time? Huh?!" MJ argued.

 

"Then I die!" Sanha yelled out which froze both his hyungs.

 

"Then I die," he said it again softly. He gave a sad smile towards both his hyungs. "I'm thankful for what you guys have done for me, you both are like my stand in parents and the rest of the members are family, but I have already accepted my fate a long time ago."

 

"Why does this seem like goodbye?" Jin Jin croaked out in between the tears he was shedding.

 

Sanha shook his head, "It's not a good bye, it's a see you later."

 

"Sanha..." MJ trailed off, crying as well.

 

"I have lived a great life. I'm part of a group called ASTRO that wants to shine as stars for the fans, which we had achieved. And maybe, you can remember me as one of the stars that will look down on you."

 

"Why are you already saying that as if you will actually die!?" Jin Jin asked harshly. "There might still be a chance. If you consider the surgery at least."

 

"If I do, the feelings, the love I had cherished would disappear and I hope you understand that losing that, would be like I'm dead as well. You guys are lucky to have each other, imagine if your love for the other suddenly was gone, like it never existed?"

 

MJ and Jin Jin looked at him as he spoke those words.

 

"But Sanha..." MJ mumbled.

 

Sanha shook his head, "We should just enjoy the moments I have left, okay?"

 

MJ and Jin Jin shook their heads in denial.

 

"Also, we are keeping this between the three of us." The two oldest looked like they were about to start protesting so Sanha interjected. "Both of you will already be worrying about me. I don't want the rest to be walking on eggshells when we could instead enjoy spending time together."

 

MJ and Jin Jin looked at each other before they nodded in defeat. They came close and embraced him once again.

 

Sanha thinks that maybe it was fate that MJ and Jin Jin were the first ones to find out. He expected reactions far worst, and it turned out better than he expected. Of course they were sad and angry at him for choosing death. He knew they would try to convince him as the days would go by, but for now, he was fine.

 

––––––––

 

So days, weeks and eventually, months flew by and they were on their US tour. MJ and Jin Jin were very protective of him as of late, and the rest of the members were certainly noticing it, but they all just assumed it was because he was finally becoming an adult this year, so they dropped the matter. For the past month or so, they would always be by his side if they didn't have a schedule to get to and they would plan impromptu trips with the rest of the members, waving it off as 'we'll be too busy to do normal family stuff during tour' so they rest of the guys had just accepted it.

 

The thing was, Sanha lived for those moments. Going out for random road trips. Getting ice cream after practice. Or just walking around the park. He loved all of it. He also loved the closeness it brought to the rest of the members. They were already tight to begin with, but something about this made it even closer.

 

But as there were good moments, there were bad ones.

 

He was often sick these days, but surprisingly there weren't many bloody moments or really painful ones. Maybe his body knew he had work to do. He often found that joke to be funny but MJ nor Jin Jin found it hilarious.

 

They were in New York now and his birthday was coming up in just a few days. Everyone was excited as the he was finally becoming an adult.

 

"Sanhaaaaaaaaa," he heard a whine coming from Rocky.

 

They were in his and MJ's shared hotel room. The rest of the members were still getting washed up in their own rooms, while MJ was in the bathroom. Rocky had finished really quickly and crashed in their room while waiting for others.

 

"What?" He asked as he turned in bed to lay flat on his stomach to stare at the guy sitting on the carpet floor.

 

"I'm bored." Rocky pouted up at him as he leaned his head on the bed, near Sanha's face.

 

Sanha giggled at him and poked his cheek. "Hyung, you've been saying that for the past ten minutes."

 

"But it's true. Entertain me!" Rocky demanded and Sanha rolled his eyes, as he coughed into his mask. He saw Rocky suddenly give him a worried look. "Are you okay? You were coughing quite a lot during the plane ride over."

 

Sanha shook his head, "I'm good, I think I'll be better soon."

 

Rocky still had a worried look so Sanha patted his head before he re-arranged himself properly on the bed and grabbed a pillow to place under his head.

 

"We won't be leaving anytime soon right?" Rocky asked him. Sanha nodded in reply.

 

"We have about 40 minutes maybe? Before we can go out and explore."

 

"Perfect." Suddenly, Rocky joined him in bed and pulled him closer. "We can take a nap then. So you can rest and maybe you'll feel better afterwards."

 

Sanha was used to hugging and cuddling with all of the members. But Rocky had always had a different effect on him and he snuggled into the feeling. He could pretend that Rocky loved him back even for a moment.

 

\--

 

When Sanha woke later, the rest of the members were in the room and Rocky was sat up and talking to Bin while he had a hand in Sanha's hair. He blinked sleepily as he gave out a yawn.

 

"Morning sleepyhead," MJ spoke up from across the room. He saw the rest looking his way, giving him a smile. Although Jin Jin and MJ were looking worried than they should. He shook his head at them. _Too obvious, hyungs._

 

"Maknae! Let's go eat!" Bin shouted as he bounced up and down the other bed, Eunwoo following his example.

 

He heard a laugh and a sudden ruffle of his head. "Let's go." It was Rocky.

 

Everyone suddenly raced towards the door except for MJ and Sanha, Jin Jin would have too if he weren't trying to mediate between the three arguing on where to go first.

 

"Sanha, you sure you're okay?" MJ asked him quietly as they left the room.

 

Sanha smiled down at his hyung brightly. "I'm really good, hyung."

 

MJ returned his smile with a grin before suddenly frowning again, "We have to talk about something when we get back."

 

Sanha was confused. _Did he do something?_ MJ shook his head at seeing Sanha's expression. "It's nothing alarming, really. I just need to talk to you about something serious."

 

Before Sanha could reply, he was being dragged by Bin and Rocky who came back for both him and MJ as they were being too slow for their liking. Sanha quickly forgot what he and MJ were talking about.

 

\--

 

When they got back later in the night, they bid their goodbyes to the others, Jin Jin coming in for a hug, and slipped back in their rooms.

 

Sanha was in the middle of talking, "Those burgers, and fries were yummy. Do you think I could have eaten more than–"

 

"I know who he is."

 

Sanha stopped talking when he looked to see MJ looking at him seriously as he sat on the bed. He approached the older one, looking confused on what were they talking about.

 

"I know who he is now, Sanha." MJ said again.

 

"Know who hyung?" Did they talk about someone before?

 

"Who you love." Sanha froze as he limply sat on his own bed.

 

MJ leaned closer, his eyes devoid of emotion, "I know it's Rocky."

 

Sanha closed his eyes and sighed. It was only a matter of time, he couldn't hide it forever. When he didn't say anything else, MJ continued.

 

"I've been observing you a lot since the day we found out. Jin Jin and I were just worried about you, a lot. We couldn't stand the fact that you would just accept it you know?" MJ paused, as if he was also contemplating Sanha's decisions.

 

"That's when I knew that I wasn't as observant as before. After that moment, I knew I had to find out who this guy you fell in love with. Maybe it's the protective side of me or maybe it was just curiosity. Somehow I concluded that the reason why you didn't want to tell us was because we knew him. So, I watched you."

 

Sanha leaned back on his two arms on the bed, MJ copying his stance.

 

"At first, I thought it was either me or Jin Jin, and I was somehow disappointed when it wasn't because like who wouldn't fall in love with me?" MJ pointed at himself.

 

Sanha giggled at that and MJ smiled at seeing it.

 

"But I was also relieved, so I crossed that out and only three remained. It didn't take long for me to solve the puzzle though. You made it easier."

 

Sanha pointed to himself, "Me? How?"

 

MJ shook his head, "You aren't subtle, little one."

 

Sanha pouted at that, "What do you mean? I kept it from you for almost three years."

 

"Three years?! Wow, can't believe it's that long. But I could see it." MJ pondered, looking off to the side.

 

Sanha blushed at that.

 

"Anyway, I noticed how you tend to gravitate towards one person, despite the situation. You also, hmm, how do I put it?" MJ tapped his chin before snapping his fingers, "Reach out to him for skinship, more than the others, even me, which I admit, I am the king of skinship."

 

Sanha shook his head at himself, how could he slip up, but then again, "I've been doing that for years though? How different is it now?"

 

MJ smirked at him, "For one, you blush a lot in his presence, and two, you glare at anyone touching him."

 

"I do not!" Sanha yelped.

 

"Yes, you do."

 

Sanha flopped on his back and groaned in embarrassment. If MJ knew now, the rest would follow suit until his secret would be out.

 

"Does Jin Jin-hyung know?" He mumbled and he heard MJ get up from his bed then his own bed dipped as MJ popped up above him.

 

"Nope, I wanted to be sure and your reaction just now, confirmed my suspicions. I didn't actually know." MJ avoided the arm that went flying towards his person as he cackled while Sanha tried to hit him with a pillow.

 

"But in all seriousness, Sanha," MJ spoke up later as they both calmed down, "Maybe you should tell him."

 

Sanha lurched up from his position in bed, "Are you serious?! I'd die ob humiliation! He doesn't love me, hyung. I have proof of that."

 

"You'd die anyway!" MJ snapped at the younger and Sanha flinched at that. MJ sighed before, "Just... if you choose to die anyway, which I still disapprove of, why don't you just tell him and all that, live life without regrets?"

 

Sanha looked off to the side, towards the window, where a small gap between the curtains showed a full moon.

 

"If I tell him and he doesn't return my feelings, which I know already, then I'll be living the last days awkwardly with him, while I could have been enjoying my last moments enjoying the time I have without thinking of my actions towards him."

 

Sanha looked back at MJ and smiled sadly, "If he knew, he'd avoid me and then instead of being happy, I would only feel guilty and sad for making him feel that way around me, for giving him that burden of my affections towards him. Atleast, if I don't tell him, he could act like he usually does around me, and that's enough."

 

"Such a stubborn child." MJ bit out, before he got up from the bed. "Okay, let's wash up before heading to bed. That's enough serious talk for the day."

 

As they both got tucked in bed that night, Sanha couldn't help but wonder.

 

_What if I do tell him? What if he loved me back?_

 

 

––––––––

 

Days later it was his birthday and they were in Dallas for another show. When they had arrived, everyone was tired and jet lagged. Everyone immediately crashed in their hotel rooms for a nap, while Sanha was left wide awake. He had taken a nap on the plane, and although everyone did, they were still tired except for Sanha, who was too hyperaware it was his birthday.

 

Instead of being bored to death while waiting for the others nap, he decided go on vlive and do a live stream for his birthday. He was enthusiastic as he read the birthday messages by Arohas. He thanked them for the undying support, talked about random things, answering questions and whatnot. Before he knew it, he was about to reach the twenty minute mark when suddenly Jin Jin came in with a birthday cake, singing him 'happy birthday'. He was told to make a wish and he closed his eyes.

 

_I wish I could spend more time with them._

 

Then he blew the candles.

 

MJ was already awake before Jin Jin came in, but he stayed in bed as Sanha lead the livestream. But he joined them a few minutes later.

 

Sanha was in the middle of explaining to vlive how MJ and Jin Jin got tanned when they went to Saipan for a reality show that was soon to be aired. They were all having fun and joking, Sanha deciding he only had a couple more minutes left to go live since his phone was about to die, when another singing voice entered the room.

 

It was Rocky.

 

Rocky was singing him happy birthday. He looked at him through the small screen reflecting back at them as he he watched Jin Jin joining in the singing.

 

Sanha saw the look MJ had given him when Rocky entered the room, and he saw how MJ stepped out of the camera. He also saw the pointed remarks MJ sent to Rocky, but Rocky being oblivious to it, didn't seem to notice.

 

When Sanha finally ended the vlive. He turned to give MJ a secret warning look for him to behave. Now that MJ knew about Rocky, it was only a matter of time before he let it slip through his actions.

 

"I'm still so sleepy," Rocky whined from where he migrated to Sanha's bed.

 

"Then why are you here?" MJ pointedly asked as he sat on his bed with Jin Jin.

 

"I wanted to see Sanha because it's his birthday?" Rocky answered, but it came out more like a question, as he seemed confused on why MJ was acting standoff-ish.

 

"Sorry, I think MJ-hyung is just tired, right hyung?" Sanha interjected and gave MJ a look. Seeing this, MJ laughed suddenly.

 

"Yeah, yeah. Jet lag."

 

Hearing this, Rocky smiled at MJ and relaxed against the pillows. He was about to say something but Sanha suddenly coughed hard.

 

Sanha patted his chest, wondering if the sweetness of the cake was too much. But the coughing won't stop, and there was a huge pressure in his chest, which made his eyes widen. Suddenly, pain blossomed across his chest, as his coughs got worst.

 

He looked wide eyed at MJ and Jin Jin, ignoring the panicked look of Rocky's. The two oldest weren't unfamiliar with this, but they still looked concerned.

 

"Jin Jin, quickly, bring him to the bathroom," he heard MJ bark out.

 

Sanha felt himself being lifted, before the pain in his chest made him push the arms away and he ran the small distance towards the bathroom, immediately spitting out the flower and blood. He could feel someone running a soothing hand on his back. The only thing they could do now was wait.

 

But he could hear Rocky's confused and worried questions on what was happening to him. Before anyone could reply to Rocky, Sanha felt another pang and suddenly he couldn't breathe.

 

He fell back against the person behind him, which as he looked up, it was MJ, as he struggled to breathe properly.

 

"What's happening to him?!" Rocky was yelling now, while he could hear Jin Jin and MJ's frantic voices trying to calm both of the youngest down.

 

Sanha knew he might have been a sight to see as his head rolled to the side to see Rocky at the entrance of the bathroom, with Jin Jin trying to hold him back from entering.

 

Rocky must have seen the blood running down his mouth, the scene unfolding in front of his eyes, and he managed to push off Jin Jin and slid down on the floor beside MJ.

 

"Sanha..." Rocky croaked out.

 

Sanha was still struggling to breathe, but suddenly he lurched up and a huge flower came out of his mouth, and he was back to breathing again. He felt someone slip from behind him and he turned his head to the side to see MJ stood up, looking for something in the cupboards of the bathroom, and Rocky was now behind him, holding him.

 

"Sanha, what's happening," he heard Rocky frantically mumbling to himself, and he knew he wasn't supposed to answer that. Sanha felt himself go lightheaded once again, the same feeling he felt months ago, where he passed out. He slumped against Rocky as his head lolled to the side.

 

"Keep him awake Rocky!" Jin Jin yelled.

 

"Sanha? Baby?" He felt Rocky's hands patting his cheeks, "Stay with me, please!"

 

He looked dizzily up at Rocky's tear-stained face, and gave a small sad smile. Seeing this, Rocky shook his head.

 

"Don't do this to me, Sanha. No, no! I didn't even–" Sanha's eyes rolled to the back of his head.

 

The last thing he heard was, "I love you."

 

So much for birthday wishes.

 

––––––

 

Sanha had always wanted to portray an angel.

 

When they had won their first place, they had done a fan service of wearing angel wings. He enjoyed having the wings, especially seeing everyone's delighted look on their faces at the way they all looked. When he recalled that memory, he wondered that once he died, would he become an angel? Or did he have to wait to become one? Were there requirements?

 

He wanted be an angel so he could look after his family when he died, including the rest of the members. He never really told his parents or his brothers about his disease. If MJ or Jin Jin didn't accidentally find out, they wouldn't know either.

 

He remembered a long time ago when he was still young, before he was accepted at Fantagio, his grandmother had told him a story of one person who had the same disease he didn't know he would have. He was way too young then to fully grasp the concept, but he did remember asking what happened to that person.

 

_"He lived his life."_

 

That was all his grandmother said before he had to leave to go to school. He wondered what his grandmother meant. Did the person die? Did he live? It could be understood as both, but his grandmother never explained when he went back to her. She would always just say the same thing.

 

Would he end up like that person?

 

Suddenly, Sanha's musings were cut off as he felt himself fall. He didn't know where he was falling. But all too suddenly, he woke up and sat up in bed breathing harshly.

 

He looked around and he stared at the surprised but relieved looks of MJ, Jin Jin and Rocky.

 

"Sanha!" Rocky was suddenly on top of him, hugging the living daylights out of him.

 

"Rocky! He can't breathe!" MJ scolded him, and Rocky loosened his grip and settled down beside him, holding his hand instead. But MJ and Jin Jin were suddenly there, hugging him tightly too.

 

"Hyung! hypocrites!" Rocky yelped as he got pushed to the side.

 

Sanha pulled away from his hyungs before hesitantly asking, "Uh, what happened?"

 

Suddenly the happy atmosphere turned down, replaced with a weird vibe.

 

"You almost died, again." Jin Jin spoke up and Sanha closed his eyes and sighed.

 

"I'm sorry," he squeaked out.

 

"I can't believe I just knew of this now," Rocky grumbled from beside him.

 

"We told him everything," MJ said and before Sanha could say anything, "and I mean everything. I told you to tell him." Then he winked. Which made Sanha confused, because what?

 

"Also, we didn't tell Bin and Eunwoo, I have a feeling we didn't need to alarm them, since it won't be happening again." MJ added, before he stood up, Jin Jin following him.

 

"We'll leave you to talk." With that, they both slipped out the room, leaving him and Rocky alone.

 

\--

 

Sanha felt awkward. He didn't really know what to say to Rocky. If MJ's words were true, then Rocky knew by now the feelings he had for him. But he was also confused at MJ's words, what did he mean by 'it won't be happening again'.

 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Rocky spoke up a moment later.

 

Sanha shrugged his shoulders, "I don't really know."

 

"This was a big deal Sanha," Rocky bit out, "Did you know how scared I was earlier? Seeing you like that? What if it was just me? I wouldn't know what to do."

 

Sanha whimpered, "I'm sorry."

 

"One second we were just talking, then suddenly you were coughing like crazy, then you were coughing up blood and flowers. Imagine my shock and horror to see you losing consciousness."

 

Sanha hung his head in shame, he never wanted anyone to worry.

 

"But suddenly something happened once you fainted. The flowers disintegrated into ash, the blood miraculously disappeared. So we lifted you up and deposited you in bed, while MJ-hyung and Jin Jin-hyung were busy on the phone, calling your doctor back home and researching on something called the Hanahaki disease.

 

"I admit I became curious, and went to search for answers for myself. But suddenly MJ-hyung shouted and grabbed Jin Jin, jumping up and down, smiling and crying. I asked them what the heck were they so happy for, but apparently it's because you're cured."

 

Sanha snapped his head to the side to look at Rocky, to see a smile blooming on the older's face. _Because that meant_...

 

Rocky nodded at seeing Sanha's expression, "You were cured because the one you love return it."

 

Sanha was confused, until he remembered something fuzzy right before he passed out.

 

_"I didn't even get to say I love you."_

 

His eyes widened at the memory and he looked to Rocky with his mouth open in awe. "You do?"

 

Rocky gripped his neck by one hand as he leaned up to press their foreheads together, "Yes, silly."

 

"But how, why, what?" Sanha stammered.

 

"I've been in love with you for so long, but you were still young. But I guess you suffered from not believing that I did return your feelings."Rocky frowned, "If I knew you had feelings for me as well, we could have avoided this. I'm sorry."

 

Sanha was silent. But in the inside he was screaming for joy, because Rocky loved him back.

 

"사랑해 (saranghae)," Rocky spoke again as he looked at Sanha.

 

"나도 너를 사랑해. (nado neoleul saranghae)," Sanha whispered and they both smiled.

 

 

His birthday wish did come true.

 

\----

 

Later, when they had finished their concert, celebrating his birthday, it was clear that something shifted between them. The line between friends and lovers had been crossed.

 

As Sanha sat with Rocky at the back of the bus as they went back to their hotel, he couldn't help but giggle quietly as the older one planted kisses all over his faces.

 

"Ya! There are other people here too!" MJ yelled from the front of the bus.

 

Sanha laughed as Rocky pulled away from him to shout back, "You're one to talk, you're practically on top of Jin Jin-hyung!"

 

"Guys, shut up!" Bin whisper yelled as he adjusted Eunwoo's head on his shoulder.

 

"Also, what the heck, when did y'all get together and how?" Eunwoo suddenly spoke up, forgetting about his nap.

 

Sanha and Rocky exchanged looks then looked across to MJ and Jin Jin, their sad smiles hidden from Bin and Eunwoo.

 

"Flowers." Sanha said, and he squeezed Rocky's hand to comfort the older.

 

"Rocky giving flowers? Woah," Bin gasped then laughed, not quite believing the Park Minhyuk would do such a thing.

 

"Impossible!" Eunwoo joined in.

 

"He did, and it was worth it," Sanha piped up looking at Rocky while saying so, the underlying meaning beneath it received when Rocky's eyes widened and Rocky pulled him close to his chest.

 

Sanha was sure Rocky felt guilty about making him suffer, but it wasn't really his fault. It was Sanha's for believing strongly that his one sided love was just that, one sided.

 

"Love you," Rocky mumbled against his head and Sanha hummed in reply, "me too."

 

 

This time Sanha doesn't need to count down the days of when his time was up, but rather adding up the days of many more moments spent with the love of his life and family.

 

As he leaned against Rocky's chest, listening to the thump thump of his heart, he looked across from them seeing MJ and Jin Jin chatting, hands held together; Eunwoo and Bin softly humming songs under their breaths as they leaned against each other's heads, Sanha knew he would be able to make more memories with them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't really know what I wrote, I was just inspired and had madly written. 
> 
>  
> 
> **https://fanlore.org/wiki/Hanahaki_Disease
> 
>  
> 
> "term hanahaki comes from the Japanese words hana (花), which means "flower", and hakimasu (吐きます), which means "to throw up".


End file.
